A client asked me one time what he needed to do for his marriage to succeed.  I contemplated this question and I was surprised at how quickly I responded.  "Practice courage and humility," I said. 
While there are different concepts and skills that can be learned and practiced to ensure optimal marital health, practicing courage and humility, I believe, is necessary to promote healthy marital functioning.

I've heard that marriage is not for the faint of heart and in both my professional and personal experiences, I agree with this.  You may have heard cliches like "the person that is closest to you is the one that can hurt you the most" and "love is knowing how you could really hurt the other person and choosing not to hurt him/her."  What these sayings illustrate is the fundamental concept that healthy marital and relationship functioning requires taking risks and taking risks works best when there is emotional safety.  What happens not if, but when the person that you love the most, the love of your life, hurts you intentionally or unintentionally?  Do you retreat into yourself?  Do you lash back?  Do you store up all the hurt only to let it out later?  It takes courage to forgive and approach the one you love again in vulnerability knowing that you could be hurt again.

A "successful" and healthy marriage also requires humility.  Humility grows out of a secure place of knowing that God loves you, that you will make mistakes, that others will make mistakes too, and that you are able to be gracious towards others because God is gracious towards you.  In this place of humility, you are then able to freely love and serve your spouse selflessly.  With humility, you are able to love your spouse in the "better" and especially in the "worse" times in a steadfast way.  You realize that you don't always have it together, your spouse does not have it together, but that you can own up to your faults and frailties, ask for God's mercy and forgiveness, and out of a place of love offer forgiveness and grace to your spouse. 

How are you doing practicing courage and humility in your marriage?  Spend some time pondering and praying over this and then commit to the simplicity of loving your spouse courageously and humbly.

For married couples, being able to submit to your spouse out of a place of humility, strength, and trust can help to build love, respect, and  marital intimacy.  My wife demonstrated this concept early in our marriage. 

I remember studying for the GRE (Graduate Record Examination) and taking some timed practice exams.  During these practice exams, I did everything I could to focus on the task on hand and minimize distractions.  One afternoon while I was taking an exam, our cat decided to bring into our home a live bird.  During my short break between exams, I closed the door to the room that the bird was deposited at and proceeded with the next section of the test.  During the test I could hear the bird flying around the room next door, running into things, and punctuated with moments of silence.  My wife eventually returned home and I eventually finished my practice exams.  I told her about what had happened during my break time and our cat's gift to us.  I looked around the bedroom where our cat had deposited her gift to us.  "No bird," I naively thought to myself as a looked around the room. 

Not too long afterwards while my wife was napping on the bed with our cat, she called me into the bedroom.  There sitting on our curtain rod was the "missing" bird.  With much restraint and perhaps amusement, my wife kindly submitted to my plan of how to remove the bird from our home.  Holding a broomstick backwards I lifted up the handle towards the bird and expected that it would walk onto the broomstick and allow me to gently carry it out of our home and return it outdoors where it belonged.  The bird had other plans and it dove down towards my head, flew into a mirror, and knocked itself unconscious for a few moments.  Being the manly man that I was, I screamed like a little girl as the bird dove towards me.  Seizing the moment, my wife quickly grabbed a plastic bag, scooped up the slightly unconscious bird, and carried it outside.  The bird eventually flew away and so did, what I thought, was my awesome idea.  In the process of my wife submitting to me (and eventually I submitting to her much better plan), I felt both respected AND realized the ridiculousness of my plan.  In her place of strength in meekness, my wife taught me that true submission, as I know it, is good for marriage, especially if you need to rid your home of unexpected birds.

Recently I had a chance to further examine the theory of Creationism and as a result, I deeply pondered my beliefs as a Christian.  I reflected on how the theory of Creationism suggests that a loving God intricately and purposely created the world and everything in it.  God's purposeful design, I believe, includes His design for sex to be an intimate and enjoyable part of marriage.  While on a trip, I saw a sign that read "Love Stuff Cheap Smokes."  As a Christian sex therapist, my beliefs of sex being purposefully created by God for married couples to enjoy seemed diminished, even cheapened, by this idea of sex as "love stuff" paired with cheap cigarettes.  What you believe influences how you value sex. 

In the December 2014 issue of Psychology Today, author Dwyer Gunn reviews popular theories and research about the function and purpose of female orgasms from an evolutionary perspective of human development.  Gunn writes the following: "Considered by some the greatest mystery in the evolution of human sexuality, scientists have spent decades trying to explain its (female orgasm) origin."  Several theories are reviewed including a theory that suggests that "orgasm enables women to covertly evaluate and select high-quality males in order to ensure the fitness of resulting offspring."  Other theories suggest that the purpose of female orgasm includes that it helps increase the odds of conception, that it helps to select a mate who is willing to selflessly work hard to bring a woman to orgasm and thus indicates his willingness to invest in children, and that orgasm may be an incentive for prehistoric women who faced high mortality risk during childbirth to engage in sexual activity.  Ultimately, the article wittingly concludes that the "long story of understanding female orgasm has yet to reach its climax."

From a Judeo Christian viewpoint, I would argue that the function of female orgasm is for the purpose of pleasure.  While the purpose of female orgasm from an evolutionary perspective may hold some relevance, experiencing pleasure is simply a valued experience in Judeo Christian beliefs.  In the Jewish practice of the Sabbath, married couples are encouraged to delight in marital sexual intimacy as part of their Sabbath practices.  Furthermore, the enjoyment of sexual intimacy for a husband and wife can be a worshipful reflection of the intratrinitarian bliss of God which is the communion, oneness, mystery, and intimacy of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit being three in one.  When sexual intimacy is viewed as God's purposeful, enjoyable, and worshipful activity created for a husband and wife to enjoy, the purpose of female orgasm and marital sexual intimacy in general can clearly be enjoyed for what it is designed to be: intimately connecting and pleasurable.

In Jim Collins and Morten T. Hansen's book Great By Choice: Uncertainty, Chaos, and Luck- Why Some Thrive Despite Them All (2011), they described quantifying luck and determined if luck had any impact on a 10X's companies success versus a comparison company.  10X companies were identified as thriving companies that financially beat their industry index at least 10 times in contrast to comparison companies who were in similar industries and faced similar challenges as the 10X companies.  What the authors discovered in their research was that 10X companies were not generally luckier than the comparison companies and that some of the comparison companies actually had better luck than the 10X companies.  What was important is a concept that the authors described as Return on Luck.  Return on Luck is described as how a company prepares for and responds effectively to situations in order to minimize bad luck or maximize good luck.  The key concept is that 10X companies understand that luck is something that they don't have control over, but that they do have control over how they prepare for and how they respond to their unforeseen negative or positive circumstances.

We can take this business idea of Return on Luck to reflect on how this applies to your personal life.  For example, you may not have control over certain circumstances in your life whether they are good or bad, but you can choose to respond in effective ways that will minimize the possible bad outcomes or maximize the good outcomes.  For example, you may have been raised in an abusive home environment and those past things impact your present ability to have healthy relationships with others.  Unfortunately, you cannot change your circumstances, but you can choose to identify hurts and deficits in your life and work to improve these areas.  In contrast, you may have experienced a loving home environment and were given a lot of great privileges.  You can choose to steward your abilities and the advantages of your experiences to live out your life to be the best person God created you to be.  As a counselor, I have listened to many stories of people struggling with the consequences of extraordinarily painful past situations.  As a counselor, I have also heard the stories of how these same people also chose to effectively minimize the effects of bad circumstances and create choices to maximize a life of greater freedom and meaning.  Whatever past, current, or future situations you might face, take courage and choose to respond in positive and effective ways because the business of you is worth it.

With the recent loss of beloved comedian and actor Robin Williams, it is important for us to be aware of friends and loved ones in our lives that may be at risk for suicide.  Suicide, while complex, is preventable and many of the causes (such as mental health issues or substance disorders) are treatable.  The following are some things you can do if a friend or loved one is at risk for suicide.

1) Be aware of risk factors for suicide and be especially aware of warning signs that may indicate more acute suicide risk. 


According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  (AFSP) website, risk factors include:

• Mental disorders and/or alcohol or substance abuse or dependence
• Previous suicide attempt
  

• Family history of attempted or completed suicide
• Serious medical condition and/or pain
• A highly stressful life event such as losing someone close, financial loss, or trouble with the law
• Prolonged stress due to adversities such as unemployment, serious relationship conflict, harassment or bullying
• Exposure to another person’s suicide, or to graphic or sensationalized accounts of suicide (contagion)
• Access to lethal methods of suicide during a time of increased risk
  

Warning signs may include the following:

• Talking about wanting to kill themselves, or saying they wish they were dead
• Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as hoarding medicine or buying a gun
• Talking about a specific suicide plan
• Feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
• Feeling trapped, desperate, or needing to escape from an intolerable situation
• Having the feeling of being a burden to others
• Feeling humiliated
• Having intense anxiety and/or panic attacks
• Losing interest in things, or losing the ability to experience pleasure
• Insomnia
• Becoming socially isolated and withdrawn from friends, family, and others
• Acting irritable or agitated
• Showing rage, or talking about seeking revenge for being victimized or rejected, whether or not the situations the person describes seem real
• Giving away prized possessions (National Mental Health Association- NMHA)

2) Take it seriously when someone talks about their suicidal intentions or plans
50% to 75% of all people who attempt suicide tell someone about their intentions.  If you suspect a person may be at risk for suicide, trust your instincts that the person may be in trouble (NMHA). 

3) Talk to the person about your concerns and listen well

• Tell the suicidal person that you are concerned about them and list specific reasons (cite some risk factors and warning signs)  why you are concerned.
• Don't be afraid to ask if the person is considering suicide and if they have a plan or method in mind.  Asking questions does not push a person toward suicide if they were not considering it before.
• Do not try to argue someone out of suicide, act shocked, act judgmental, or counsel the person yourself.  Instead, let the person know that you care, that they are not alone, and that they can get help.  Remember to listen.

4) Take action

• Actively encourage the person to see a physician or mental health professional immediately.  Assist the person to identify a professional and schedule an appointment.  If they let you, go to the appointment with them.
• If the person is threatening, talking about, or making specific plans for suicide, this is a crisis requiring immediate attention.  Do not leave the person alone.
• Remove any means that could be used for suicide including any firearms, drugs, or sharp objects.
• Take the person to a walk-in clinic at a psychiatric hospital or a hospital emergency room.
• If these options are not available, call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK) for assistance.
  

5) Follow-Up on Treatment

• Still skeptical that they can be helped, the suicidal person may need your support to continue with treatment after the first session.
• If medication is prescribed, support the person to take it exactly as prescribed. Be aware of possible side effects, and notify the person who prescribed the medicine if the suicidal person seems to be getting worse, or resists taking the medicine. The doctor can often adjust the medications or dosage to work better for them. 
• Help the person understand that it may take time and persistence to find the right medication and the right therapist. Offer your encouragement and support throughout the process, until the suicidal crisis has passed.

The majority of information in this article was directly cited and/or reproduced from the AFSP website which can be viewed at http://www.afsp.org/preventing-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs.  Remember that the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a free, confidential, and always available phone call away for help for a loved one or for yourself.  Contact them anytime at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). 

 

 

Transitions can be fraught with anxiety as we experience change in what is familiar.  Transitions can include significant life events or adjustments to our daily routine that disrupts what is known and comfortable.  As I reflect on my personal life as well as look around at the lives of close friends, family members, and clients, a wide array of transitions is apparent including the following: moving, starting a new job, being unemployed, adopting, having babies, loved ones getting sick, kids going back to school, starting college, starting jobs, adjusting to a new culture, dating a new person, getting married, and losing loved ones.  This is by no means a comprehensive list and you may have your own unique transition that you are currently facing.  How we handle transitions can have a direct impact on our day to day well being.  Below are some suggestions on different ways to effectively manage your transition.   

1) Respect your feelings: How does your transition make you feel?  Do you feel positive like happy or excited, or do you feel negative like anxious, overwhelmed,  or tired?  Perhaps you feel a mix of positive and negative emotions.  Your feelings are your feelings.  Grieve if you are sad.  Rejoice if you are excited.  Allow yourself to feel as you feel without judging your feelings.

2) Maintain your spiritual connectedness: Continue maintaining your spiritual practices in order to keep yourself centered in God.  Continue praying, attending church, reading your Bible, connecting with others, and engaging in other spiritual disciplines.  Remember that you may have times and seasons in your life, especially during transitions, where the rhythm of  your spiritual disciplines may be disrupted or you may feel disconnected in the midst of all the changes.  Do your best to maintain your relationship with God through your spiritual practices and know that this season of transition is also an opportunity to experience God's steadfast love despite the changes.

3) Take care of your physical needs: Remember to do the basic things well like eat healthy and balanced meals, get enough sleep and rest, and exercise regularly.  Take care of your physical body which in turn can help you better weather the stress of a transition.

4) Be gracious and patient with yourself: In a transition, all the changes large or subtle can be emotionally disruptive.  You might even act out of character at times.  Remember to be extra gracious and patient with yourself.  Forgive yourself too for times when you may not be at your best. 

5) Maintain a sense of grounding: Do you have regular routines or traditions that you follow?  Doing your regular chores, following your regular exercise schedule, or having that Friday night pizza routine despite what is going on can help ground you in familiarity. 

5) Reframe your view of the situation: Whether your transition was by design or by circumstance, reframe how you view the transition as an opportunity to learn something about yourself.  In some of my transitions of deepest loss, I learned lessons about what things were really important to me.  I also learned to better value each opportunity knowing that we only live one time.  Ask yourself, "what is God trying to impress upon me in this transition?"

6) Practice thankfulness in the midst of your uncertainty:  You don't have to be an unrealistic rose colored glasses wearing optimist to practice thankfulness as much as you identify some aspects of your transition that you are thankful for.  Finding things to be thankful for can help balance out any negative thoughts that may unduly dominate your thoughts and emotions while recognizing that there can be both a duality of positive and challenging things in your transition.  

7) Talk to others: Share with others your thoughts and feelings.  By sharing with others, you might feel more supported, less alone, and more cared for as you allow someone else to carry the weight of some of your stress.   

8) Seek help if you get stuck: Have you tried doing many or all the things suggested above but still feel like your feelings and/or thoughts are overwhelming you?  Are you having trouble at home, school, or work because of your transition?  Feel free to seek the help of a counselor or other mental health professional who can help you better sort through what is going on and help you get to a better place where you can live more closely into a place of less distress and greater contentedness.

According to a MSN Money article 10 Things Worth Paying More For (http://ow.ly/zwrXG), buying quality tools if one of ten things worth paying more for.  With this in mind, I added a quality Hozan C-200 pedal wrench to my Christmas list one year.  I generally don't get too excited about tools and I already owned a pedal wrench.  So why ask for another pedal wrench as a gift and an expensive one to boot?  I believed that this pedal wrench would get the job done effectively, reliably, and in a trustworthy way in contrast to my pedal wrench that I owned that was unable to do the job of removing my pedals, especially without causing damage in the process.

So back to the list.  Professionals services, like counseling, is recommended as worth paying more for.  The accompanying video in the article also discussed that when choosing a professional you should check credentials, check references, and not assume that higher price always means higher quality.  While you can probably find a quality counselor for a lower cost comparatively or as an in network provider, finding a competent counselor who has the credentials (which usually translates as a licensed counselor with specialized training and expertise with treating your particular problem), experience, and personality fit will likely result in more effective treatment, and in some instances a shorter treatment duration, of your presenting problem.  I would encourage anyone who is looking for counseling services to find a counselor who will be the most effective at offering you therapeutic help for your specific problems.  Consider the counselor's rates in comparison to other providers, but don't let that be the only determining factor for choosing his or her professional services.  Choosing the right counselor for you and your specific presenting problem, like my fancy pedal wrench, will better enable you to find rest in experiencing that the job will get done in a way that will be effective, reliable, and trustworthy. 

I remember pondering the 10 commandments a few years ago and in a joking way, I reflected on the 6th Commandment that says to "remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy" (Deuteronomy 20 verse 6, New International Version).  I joked about how the 6th commandment was the optional commandment.  If you're anything like me, your life may reflect a manic mess of busyness between your work (this includes all you stay at home parents), family, personal commitments, and other activities that fill up your calendar.  In my busyness, it can be hard to live in the present, to savor the joy of each moment, and to linger in the experience of relating to another person in a deep and soulful way.  Additionally, not doing any work related activities or things to keep busy, at times, seems foreign and even uncomfortable.  In her book  Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation, Ruth Haley Barton says that the "point of sabbath is to honor our need for a sane rhythm of work and rest.  It is to honor the body's need for rest, the spirit's need for replenishment and the soul's need to delight itself in God for God's own sake.  It begins with a willingness to acknowledge the limits of our humanness and take steps to live more graciously within the order of things" (Barton, p. 37, 2006).  Fully describing what Sabbath is and how you can practice it can encompass an entire website let alone a blog posting.  Nonetheless, here are some tips to implement practicing the Sabbath: 

Start simple: commit to scheduling a time to experience the Sabbath.  Try a partial day to start with.  Starting a new thing is often the hardest part so be courageous and simply do it.

Create a rhythm: as you get used to the discipline of keeping the Sabbath, schedule it in for a regular day and time per week.  They rhythm of knowing that you will rest helps us to tend to our weary souls and bodies in a gentle and intentional way.

Engage others in the Sabbath: get your spouse and kids involved.  Turn off the television and other battery operated gadgets to slow down and enjoy things like taking a walk, enjoying nature, or talking.  Find some friends and practice the Sabbath with them. 

Determine things to say no to: saying no is not just about not doing things, it is about resisting activities that keep our hearts in a state of unrest.  Say no to work, to-do lists, and major decision making.  Consider saying no to buying or selling things that subtly feed our sense of consumerism. 

Determine things to say yes to: what brings you joy and rest?  These are things to say yes to including taking naps, talking a walk, riding your bicycle, eating your favorite foods, spending time with family or friends, enjoying nature, reading a book for leisure, and engaging in meaningful spiritual activities.

At best, I envision looking forwards to a rhythm of engaging in the Sabbath where I can get lost in things that are meaningful to me, enjoy my time with my family and friends, and truly feel the presence of God as I put aside my worries for a set aside length of time.  And in the joy of being lost in enjoyable activities and relationships, I believe I will remember that God is in charge and that I can find my way again.