Sexual Addiction Recovery: 7 Ineffective Approaches

In my work with people wanting to engage in the recovery process as a result of struggling with sexually addictive behaviors, I have observed some common ineffective approaches.  The following are some of these approaches that can result in the recovery process being less effective than it has the potential to be.  Also, I want to encourage you to read the following approaches with a spirit of openness and self reflection rather than a spirit of shame and condemnation. 

1) Engage in recovery for others.  Recovery works best when the person struggling with sexually addictive behaviors decides to engage in the process first and foremost for his own self and well being.  Often, a person may seek out recovery as a result of their sexually addictive behaviors causing harm to a spouse or partner due to various factors including lying, deceptive behaviors, and the lack of fidelity and interest in the partner.  Thus a person may decide to get help due to the partner/spouse suggesting that they do so.  Although a hurt partner/spouse may drive the person to engage in recovery efforts initially, the recovery process is more effective if the person begins to internalize and own his/her desire to get better for himself/herself regardless of what others may or may not want them to do. 

2) Go at recovery alone.  A person struggling with sexually addictive behaviors often experiences feelings of shame and even despair when sexual behaviors continue despite a desire to want to stop.  A person may simply try to "fix" this like you might fix other unwanted bad habits.  Promises to self to stop these behaviors may be made.  Unfortunately, the addictive nature of sex can make it hard for a person to simply stop on their own volition.

3) Choose to keep your sexually addictive behaviors secretive.  In addition to trying to engage in the recovery process alone, another common ineffective approach is for a person to keep his/her behaviors hidden from others.  For those who do share with others, they may be selective about what they share and not share what they might believe is the most shameful secret.  Once a person identifies a safe, mature, and supportive person to share with, courageously confessing to the other person in complete honestly without holding back any secrets is a step towards disarming the associated shame and temptation of further sexually acting out. 

4) Just stop doing what is wrong.  At first glance, it is good for a person struggling with sexually addictive behaviors to be able to stop their addictive behaviors.  Abstinence of sexually addictive behaviors is even one of the early goals of recovery.  But simply stopping the addictive behaviors without the presence of engaging in healthy behaviors is incomplete at best.  Healthy behaviors might include growing in self awareness of things that prompt you to act out, being able to engage in your feelings, and generally learning newer and healthier patterns of living and interacting with self, God, and others.  Every so often I will encounter a person who desires to simply stop their sexually acting out behaviors, but fails to engage in any type of process that will foster growth and change in other important aspects of his/her life.

5) Become asexual.  I believe that God gave everyone the gift of sexuality which is the expression of one's gender and affirmation of one's masculinity or femininity in healthy ways.  Sometimes an ineffective approach to stopping distressing sexually addictive behaviors is to completely turn off one's sexuality.  Another expression of this is to become sexually aversive where sexuality is viewed as negative, bad, and wrong.

6) Rationalize the sexual struggle.  A person who decides to engage in recovery for sexually addictive behaviors might engage in a limited way if s/he rationalizes his/her own struggles.  Common rationalizing strategies include comparison to others ("at least what I do is not as bad as this other behavior"), justification ("I do this in secret so I'm not really hurting anyone, I'm single and have no sexual outlets, or I wouldn't need to do these things if my spouse were more open and available to me sexually"), feeling entitled ("I work hard so I deserve some kind of relief or I have to take care of myself because no one really loves me").  When a person begins to rationalize his/her sexual struggles versus fully acknowledging the consequences of his/her actions to self and others, recovery becomes incomplete and often ineffective long term.

7) Over spiritualize the recovery process.  Another mistake that I see people make in their attempts to stop their sexually addictive behaviors is to over spiritualize the recovery process.  For many, their spiritual values, beliefs, and practices play a primary role in ordering and forming who that person is.  Personally, I believe in miracles where God can instantly heal someone of sexually addictive behaviors.  For the many who don't find instant healing, praying for change and healing while continuing to experience sexually addictive behaviors becomes a frustrating experience.  The recovery process at best involves systematic and multidimensional changes in a person's life including their understanding of and relationship with God.  Addressing a person's needs holistically in recovery includes attending to not just the spiritual aspect of a person's life, but also attending to the emotional, physical, mental, sexual, and social aspects.  Growth in these different areas may include being able to express feelings more readily, realizing and changing unhealthy family dynamics, addressing past abuse issues, identifying and treating mental health issues, involvement in a loving community, and making lifestyle changes to promote balanced and healthy living.

If you find yourself or know of a friend or family member struggling with sexually addictive behaviors, please reflect on these approaches to change that you or someone you know might be stuck in.  Courageously decide to take a next step and seek out some help.  A life of freedom awaits for those who are willing to engage in the journey of recovery.